sasurai: (V6 // Sakamoto // Attention)
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Sakamoto Masayuki for "An-An:" 40 edits x 40 years
(or, 40 reasons to weep and gnash your teeth in frustration)

Two score years ago the world got a little brighter, classier, and more brash. Yes, exactly 40 years ago this Sunday, we were blessed with Masayuki. Let us celebrate by reflecting on all the things we love about our dear Leader while simultaneously petitioning to get his sexy, statuesque self in "An-An." The world does not know what it's missing. I intend to do all I can to help the world (and, specifically, the "An-An" staff) get their collective minds right and rectify this gross negligence. It's downright heinous and I will not let it stand. Thus, I have compiled this post with what I believe exemplifies all the things that make Sakamoto the most perfect man in history.

You hear those church bells? That means it's time to get to the First Church of V6 and sit your ass on down in that pew. Mother Superior has a sermon to deliver. And don't forget to bring your church hat, bbs, cos you're gonna need em to fan yourselves here in a minute. And should you feel a fainting spell coming on, you can also find paper bags in the pocket in front of you. I don't want nobody hyperventilating and passing out.

"An-An" has never and will never have as haughty, alluring, and gentlemanly a man as Masa.

I'm fascinated by slang and particularly the manner in which the internet encourages the use of slang and facilitates propagation of words/acronyms. So I did some digging and discovered that the acronym "GQMF" came into existence because the world needed a way to describe Sakamoto. Few people know that.

Actual true fact: When sending in his application to various agencies, he sent his resume/portfolio to a modeling agency. I think they all realized people would be spending far too much time focusing on Masa's beauty than on the clothes he'd be modeling. Of course, he could always be in your yearly sex issue, "An-An," considering the celebrities in that feature don't really even wear clothes. Hint hint.

If you'll kindly grab your hymnals, we will now meditate on Sakamoto as a playboy in "Pal Joey" while we sing Hymn #513, "Smooth Operator." ♪ no need to ask, he's a smooth operator

Sakamoto is the greatest Zorro to date -- not just because I'm completely biased but because the director who picked him to play Zorro said so ♥. Yet when I see the cunning Señor Zorro or the ravishing Don Diego de la Vega, all I want to do is cry.

The moustache, the curly hair, the pure unadulterated lust (to say nothing of the almost uncontrollable jealousy) I feel watching him strut his shit and dance flamenco?

♪ ay ay ay como me duele

Want a man who's bendable and posable? Who can strike poses that make contortionists jealous? Look no further, "An-An" staff.

When it comes to piano swag, Sir Elton got nothin on Sakamoto. (I'm sorry, Sir Elton, I don't really mean it. I'm just speaking out of hurt because I can never get tickets to any of your concerts)

Of all the questions I would ask Sakamoto if I ever met him -- what's your favourite colour, who's your favourite baseball player, can I buy you a beer, etc. -- there is only one that truly begs to be asked: ♪ tell me, is there any more room for me in those jeans?

Is Masa a big scaredy-cat baby who would probably run from his own shadow if he felt it snuck up on him? Yes. Does that really matter when he's standing over you wearing a three-piece suit, brandishing a cane and giving you that "come hither" stare? If your answer was anything other than "fuck no" (or some variant thereof), I think we need to get your head checked.

Speaking of intimidating, Sakamoto is said to be the only person who scares Johnny. I find that ability to amaze, shock, and frighten more than a bit of a turn-on. Strong personalities are sexy, y'all.

Yet there's little in this world sexier than an immaculately-formed neck on a well-built and perfectly proportioned man.

When he's not putting the fear of god in his associates, he's sweeter than the sugariest cereal. We're talking diabetes-inducingly sweet. Seriously. Example: He had a kitty named Momo to whom he used to speak in baby talk. Momo loved him more than anyone and he once said that playing with Momo made him happier than anything. You can't sit here and tell me that does not make you melt; at least not without being a big lying liar, you can't.

I've been all around this big ol' world of ours and still have yet to find a man more naturally beautiful. A couple have come close, but they were lies; ephemeral spectres of light clouding my judgment. I once was blind but now I see.

Back in the day -- we're talkin' way back, back into time -- they would build shrines, sculpt statutes, and paint murals depicting Masayuki, preserving his beauty in the annals of time.

In more recent times, however, we are much better able to capture and preserve the likenesses of hypnotizing individuals such as he. Magazines, for example, are wonderful for this purpose. Hintity hint hint

And don't think poets woudn't get down on this. I now defer to the good John Keats: "'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' – that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." And here all this time you thought he was opining on some randomass Greek urn.

You know that feeling when you lay down in bed after a long, hard day and just feel every muscle in your body relax as the weight of the world is lifted from your shoulders? That's how I feel every time I see that big, cheesy grin of his.

Look at him. He knows his stare makes you break down in tears and he's entirely okay with that.

And let's face it -- the man knows how to strike a fuckin pose.

It's a good thing he became an idol instead of, say, a teacher. No one would ever pass his classes. Oh, sure, they'd be enraptured, just not by the subject. And in addition to that sensual voice, all students would hear in their head is i've got it bad, so bad, i'm hot for teacher. Shit, I'd get in trouble just to have him make me stay after class, yessir.

OK, that's actually a lie. I'd rather be the teacher's pet. Good thing flattery works so well on him.

But why wouldn't it, especially when he knows he makes panties drop the moment he walks in a room?

And while we're on the subject of panty-dropping, let us take this time in our service to pause to reflect on everything that makes Sakamoto the Thespian impossibly attractive.

The theatre nerd in me appreciates that he doesn't limit himself to just one type of character and that he can sell every role he plays. For the non-theatre nerds, trust that that shit ain't easy.

But contrary to the first law of thermodynamics, there is one thing that's remarkably easy for him: pimpin'.

Let us give thanks to Saints Koichi, Tsuyoshi, and Taichi for helping our saviour see the light and bringing him back to us and out of his trials and tribulations.

Life as a travel agent just wouldn't have suited him. His destiny is to make hearts race and ovaries explode at the very thought of him.

He's said he tends to favour casual clothes and tends to wear a lot of tanktops and button-down shirts. This isn't because he's lazy or lacks a sense of style -- it's because he knows that, whatever he wears, he wears it well.

Or he could just, you know, wear next to nothing.

Which brings us back around to the main point of this post: we have long believed in and put our faith in our stunning saviour, Masayuki, and we believers deserve to be rewarded.

We have kept our faith these many years and we pray our efforts will shape the hearts of the "An-An" staff.

It's not merely his heavenly body or his dazzling smile, it's his big ego. We love his big ego

he walks like this cos he can back it up

Plus, the man handles his business with grace and dignity.

Except on those occassions when he doesn't, and then he's a force with which to be reckoned. But he's better about giving up the reins and not making his bandmates cry anymore.

And there's nothing better in this world than a relaxed, happy Maa-kun.

Except perhaps Masa in my bed, but my mother taught me to set realistic goals for myself, so for now, I'll merely ask that the kind, wonderful, and benevolent "An-An" staff to hear my pleas and lamentations and put Masa in their yearly sex issue.

In conclusion, I hope this post has opened your eyes to the ninth wonder of the world, Sakamoto Masayuki. In the words of the great philosophers, Salt n Pepa (and their compatriots, En Vogue): whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, what a mighty good man

psst, wallpapers posted herein can be found here

September 2011


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